GGGGOOODDDDD! I'm so confused about life. He won't leave me alone, talking about all the things I did with him, and all's i'm trying to do is get over him. I just want to move on. I want to become a new me. I want to focus on school and I want someone new to call mine. someone i can trust. I dunno...I dunno what to do. everything just seems so messed up right now.

And then theres band camp. -sigh- it's so tiring. I get up at six am, work my ass off to help everyone, tho noone understands that. I'll tell someone in my section to play quieter here, play louder here, that's a wrong note, you came in a measure early. do you guys know how many times ive been cussed out for doing that? because I want our section to be good, to contribute something to the band. Nobody else cares, and I cant understand why theyre even in band at all if they just dont care.

I got pulled over for the first time ever yesterday and I was so freaked out I ended up giving the cop my library card instead of my license and he thought i was high. Just for the record, ive never done drugs before so I have no idea why I always get accused of it.

and then school. I cant wait for it to start. structure is what I need right now. I want to know what to expect tomorrow, which as those of you who know me know that that is NOT like me at all. I hate schedules. I love living for tomorrow. Is it bad that i dont like that anymore? maybe I will again one day but right now I just want to have something I need to do and a time to get it done by. I want to feel like ive actually accomplished someting worthwhile in my life and not wasted an entire year, my virginity, and what was left of my heart on some boy who didnt even care.

I dont feel like dying either tho. I really...it's hard to explain. I think I can fall in love with anybody, because im not biased, but I wont allow myself to ever again unless I know....I KNOW that it wont end bad. Im done hopping around from guy to guy. I want one...one person in my life that I can strive to make happpy. thats the kind of person I am. I am not supposed to be alone. I have no clue what to do if im not making someone else happy. Im lost.